Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OBSTETRICIAN-GYNACOLOGIST leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I'm sure it makes sense - somehow

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Crikey !!!! not only are you a good fuck, but your a good sport too

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Have to wear the correct personal protective equipment - so on go the overalls, toe tectors and gloves and safety harness(whilst working off a scaffold) - great trussed up like a chicken again!

So there I am un-doing bolts which have about fifty years of paint on them when spanner slips - whacks hell out of knuckles( loss of skin, gloves in-tact)

Tighten spanner around nut, carries on un-doing. Nut starting to get very tight (fuckin paint) so brainwave says get bigger spanner, fetches bigger spanner continues to undo but still getting tighter.

Wedge second spanner on head of bolt, can now put two hans on big spanner - more leverage
Really tight now so puts full force on spanner ( grunts, groans, sweating profusely and curses ) when wham the bolt shears - LOWER BACK takes a jolt (does not seem too bad), whacks hell out of both knuckles ( loss of more skin, still gloves intact ) spanner decides to take flight, bounces off scaffold board and descends to floor with a thud.

One down and about thirty nine to go - sod the spanners go get burning gear.

This won't take long (or so I thought) Lights burning torch and applies oxygen to give a nice hot blue flame (piece of cake now).
Apply flame to nut leaving a slight gap, nut gets hot and starts to melt, apply more oxygen to blow through nut when blow back occurs (this is when the metal your are melting decides to blow up and back at you). Molten pieces of metal fly up and straight down back of neck and down side of glove .
Dilema - do I pull off glove and shake hand profusely hoping metal does not stick to hand or pull off glove and shove hand down back to attempt to reduce burn still with molten metal on hand.
Well I did neither.
Jumped about cursed and got burnt on hand and back.
Managed to do rest without any further significant damage to myself.

So gets up this morning slight twinge in back (old age creeping in I think)
Gets to work, went to sit down, when wham back tells me YOUR FUCKED.
Been walking around like an old man all afternoon, and it always seems people take great pleasure in taking the piss.

Yes Yes Yes my own fault I know but just had a seriously bad day - and with the best will in the world and with hind sight should've thrown a sickie yesterday .

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That's a heavy drink, what's the matter? Asks the barman.

Ijust caught my best friend shagging my wife!

Wow, have another one on the house. What did you do?

I told her to pack her stuff and leave!

God you must be gutted, here have another on the house. What about your best mate?

I looked him straight in the eye and shouted -

" BAD DOG "   

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ANSWER: A FANNY

WHY?

BECAUSE

IT FITS ANY SIZE PISTON!
IT'S SELF LUBRICATING!
STARTS WITH A FINGER!

AND! WAIT FOR IT!

DOES IT'S OWN OIL CHANGE EVERY FOUR WEEKS  

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AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE

5.EVERYTIME YOU GET EXCITED YOU THROW UP AND FAINT!!

I KNOW ITS SIMILAR TO THE LAST ONE BUT COULDN'T RESIST

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"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU KNOW
OR
WHO YOU KNOW "

THAT MATTERS

" IT'S WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT WHO YOU KNOW,
 THAT REALLY COUNTS " 

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MY HAIR IS A MESS

MY NEIGHBOURS ARE NUTS

MY BEST FRIENDS A C T

AND TO CAP IT ALL MY OWNERS A WANKER

WHAT A LIFE

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I for one enjoy the pleasures when a woman is smooth "and correct me if I am wrong but" I am led to beleive (not confessing anything here by the way) that it heightens sensitivity for a woman. and a vast majority of women prefer this.

Please note that this is part of a worldwide case study with great importance

So would I be right in thinking this, your comments would be much appreciated, all in-depth details welcolme

Jack

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Well !!! I am not a labour fanatic or conservative come to mind, but surely if we elected Blair into power why the fuck should Brown (who's done bugger, all except tax us to the hilt ) be allowed to run the counrty without a democratic vote.

Does anyone agree or am I talking bollocks again!!!!

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You chat about relevant and irrelevant topics, but then wham!! They say, what at first appears to be an insignificant comment, but then the cogs in the brain start to work and you convince yourself that it means something else, but then self doubt starts!

So you pass it off that its your imagination and take no more notice>

But what if?

After a series of these comments, maybe a glance or just slightly flirtatious. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHETHER OR NOT TO MAKE A PRAT OF YOURSELF FOR THE UM'TEENTH TIME ?????????

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The mind boggles!!!!!!

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A man bumps into a woman in a  hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite  startled.

The man turns to her and says,  "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."  

She replies, "If your penis is as  hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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Third Place  :

One night, as a couple lays down  for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm  sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay  fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns  over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back  over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment  tomorrow too?"

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Runner Up:  

Bill worked in a pickle factory.   He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day  to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge  to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he  should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too  embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  

One day a few weeks later, Bill came  home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.  

"What's wrong, Bill?" she  asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how  I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"  

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she  exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My  God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."

"No, Bill.  I mean, what  happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired  too."
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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50  years.

They were sitting at the breakfast  table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were  sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said.   "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."  

"Well," Granny snickered.   "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon, the two stripped to the  buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old  lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were  fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied  Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other  is in your oatmeal."

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One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

· Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

· Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged

You did notice the size of the print...?

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"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

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So he tied her up and went golfing lol!

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." lol!

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As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little indiscresion and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when i tell you the price."

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'Blimey the attendant gasps. 'BMW think of fuckin everything!'

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" NOT THE BREATHALYZER AGAIN "

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" YEH BUT I ALREADY HAVE HOLES FOR THAT "

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AN ODE FOR A BEAUTIFUL DAY

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still,
when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles began to slip away. He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun,it seemed his very chirping brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers crept slowly out of bed and gently shut the window and crushed his fuckin head.

I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON

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SO THE MORAL OF THIS COMPLETELY BORING STORY IS COLES OF BILSTON SELL CRAP, SERVICE IS CRAP DO NOT BUY ANYTHING FROM THEM AS THEY ARE CRAP

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WHY ME, IS IT WORTH THE CRAP

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Have you ever wondered what category people in the office fall into while there carrying out there everyday mundane jobs? I have!!! You can tell by the set routines.
Quiet ones
You get the quiet ones who, on the outside are all timid and shy, but underneath start to crave the attention the office joker or Mr/Mrs popularity gets, yet have no clue that it's their way of dealing with the fact they are missing something.
conceited
Some seem oblivious to there surroundings and the people around them, which gives them the title of miserable bastard.
Bully
Then theres the ones who feel power is there right and try every means possible to inflict as much pain as possible whether by mental or in some cases physical abuse upon the un-suspecting which appears to give them a euphoric feeling!
Clown
The office joker comes next. The first few gags are mildly entertaining to some and fuckin' hilarious to others including themselves which allows them a sense of self importance.
Popularity
Mr/Mrs popularity - What makes em popular, is it the current fashion, is it they appear more knowledgeable or is it their outgoing nature. I have no ill feeling towards these people so long as they do not drop into the category of office bully.
Now this brings us to me! What group do I come into? Probably all of them.
The bully section I try and stay away from but have at times, had to resolve situations with enforced power which i ain't proud of but its gets the dickheads out my face.(Usually the bullies who regret trying it on).
We had a young lady start at our place sometime ago and christ was she a breath of fresh air. The first thing I noticed was not the Junoesque figure or the blonde flowing locks or the cute ass but just how beautiful her pale green eyes tinged with hazel were.(I know I sound sad but you should see her).
To cap it all she has the Miss popularity about her without the power trip, yet for some "unknown" reason she gets everything she asks for and more.

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