I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.D

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OBSTETRICIAN-GYNACOLOGIST leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I'm sure it makes sense - somehow

Aussie lad driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge spots his girlfriend about to jump off, he pulls over and says " Christ Sheila " wot ya doin?
She says "you got me pregnant an now i'm gonna kill myself"

Crikey !!!! not only are you a good fuck, but your a good sport too D

Totally fucked up today! Worked a fifteen hour shift yesterday, the last six hours moving heavy steelwork.

Have to wear the correct personal protective equipment - so on go the overalls, toe tectors and gloves and safety harness(whilst working off a scaffold) - great trussed up like a chicken again!

So there I am un-doing bolts which have about fifty years of paint on them when spanner slips - whacks hell out of knuckles( loss of skin, gloves in-tact)

Tighten spanner around nut, carries on un-doing. Nut starting to get very tight (fuckin paint) so brainwave says get bigger spanner, fetches bigger spanner continues to undo but still getting tighter.

Wedge second spanner on head of bolt, can now put two hans on big spanner - more leverage
Really tight now so puts full force on spanner ( grunts, groans, sweating profusely and curses ) when wham the bolt shears - LOWER BACK takes a jolt (does not seem too bad), whacks hell out of both knuckles ( loss of more skin, still gloves intact ) spanner decides to take flight, bounces off scaffold board and descends to floor with a thud.

One down and about thirty nine to go - sod the spanners go get burning gear.

This won't take long (or so I thought) Lights burning torch and applies oxygen to give a nice hot blue flame (piece of cake now).
Apply flame to nut leaving a slight gap, nut gets hot and starts to melt, apply more oxygen to blow through nut when blow back occurs (this is when the metal your are melting decides to blow up and back at you). Molten pieces of metal fly up and straight down back of neck and down side of glove .
Dilema - do I pull off glove and shake hand profusely hoping metal does not stick to hand or pull off glove and shove hand down back to attempt to reduce burn still with molten metal on hand.
Well I did neither.
Jumped about cursed and got burnt on hand and back.
Managed to do rest without any further significant damage to myself.

So gets up this morning slight twinge in back (old age creeping in I think)
Gets to work, went to sit down, when wham back tells me YOUR FUCKED.
Been walking around like an old man all afternoon, and it always seems people take great pleasure in taking the piss.

Yes Yes Yes my own fault I know but just had a seriously bad day - and with the best will in the world and with hind sight should've thrown a sickie yesterday .

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.