Fourth Place:  

 

A man bumps into a woman in a  hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

 

They are both quite  startled.

 

The man turns to her and says,  "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."  

 

She replies, "If your penis is as  hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

Third Place  :

 

One night, as a couple lays down  for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

 

The wife turns over and says "I'm  sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay  fresh."

 

The husband, rejected, turns  over.

 

A few minutes later, he rolls back  over and taps his wife again.

 

"Do you have a dentist appointment  tomorrow too?"

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

Runner Up:  

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory.   He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day  to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge  to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he  should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too  embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  

 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came  home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.  

 

"What's wrong, Bill?" she  asked.

 

"Do you remember that I told you how  I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"  

 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she  exclaimed.

 

"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My  God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."

 

"No, Bill.  I mean, what  happened with the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh...she got fired  too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

 

A couple had been married for 50  years.

 

They were sitting at the breakfast  table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were  sitting here at this breakfast table together."

 

"I know," the old man said.   "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."  

 

"Well," Granny snickered.   "Let's relive some old times."

 

Whereupon, the two stripped to the  buff and sat down at the table.

 

"You know, honey," the little old  lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were  fifty years ago."

 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied  Gramps.

 

"One's in your coffee and the other  is in your oatmeal."