Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
> death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
> inevitable, when suddenly...
>
> "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."
>
> "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
>
> So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and
> there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
> bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
> smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
>
> "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
>
> "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
>
> "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees
> no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
>
>
>
> And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
> metres, with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a
> machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
> he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn
> Pepe with his
dying
> breath.. . . .
>
> "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
>
> "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
>
> "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
>
>
>
>
>
> "Ees.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees.....
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees, a Ham Bush"

                                                                                               Fourth Place:  

A man bumps into a woman in a  hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite  startled.

The man turns to her and says,  "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."  

She replies, "If your penis is as  hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

Third Place  :

One night, as a couple lays down  for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm  sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay  fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns  over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back  over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment  tomorrow too?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

Runner Up:  

Bill worked in a pickle factory.   He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day  to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge  to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he  should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too  embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  

One day a few weeks later, Bill came  home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.  

"What's wrong, Bill?" she  asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how  I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"  

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she  exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My  God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."

"No, Bill.  I mean, what  happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired  too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50  years.

They were sitting at the breakfast  table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were  sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said.   "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."  

"Well," Granny snickered.   "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon, the two stripped to the  buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old  lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were  fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied  Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other  is in your oatmeal."

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him?" she asks.
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want.

So he tied her up and went golfing lol!

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." lol!

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little indiscresion and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when i tell you the price."

I CANT IMAGINE YOUR HUSBAND WITH BLEACHED HAIR LOL

Three women in a cafe, 1st woman says, i'm having a boob job, 2nd woman says i'm having my twat bleached, 3rd woman says - wait for it!

Tiger woods drives his BMW into a petrol station. The attendant being clueless about golf and has never heard of Tiger Woods, greets him with his usual pleasant smile. Tiger nods and bends to pick up the pump nozzle. As he does two tees fall out of his pocket.
'What are those for?' The attendant asks.
Tiger replies 'They're tees to rest my balls on when i'm driving'.

'Blimey the attendant gasps. 'BMW think of fuckin everything!'

Mad Mary agin had robbed a wheel chair and started speedin round the mental ward. As she rounds a corner Dopey Dave jumps out with his hand up and stops her. Can I see your license, Mad Mary reverses back and shoots off at high speed cackling in her usual high pitch tone, with a sense of pride that she evaded capture.
Weaving in and out of the loons she rounds another corner and Nutty Nigel jumps out and stops her. Can i see your insurance, agin Mad Mary reverses back and shoots off at high speed shouting, you wont catch me.
Well as you can imagine she's havin' a whale of a time knockin' over trollies and bed pans as she goes, but to her horror she's been spotted by the orderly, so off she zooms, you guessed it, she rounds another corner but this time Big John is standin' there, stark bollock naked with the biggest erection you've ever seen. Mad Mary stops dead in her tracks and says;

" NOT THE BREATHALYZER AGAIN "

A woman stands at the gates of heaven when she hears horrible screams coming from inside. Saint Peter appears and says as you have been a good person all your life you may enter. The woman asks tentitively why are there screams coming from inside, to which Saint Peter replies, its the new angels having holes drilled in their backs and heads so they can have their wings and halos fitted.
Sod that she said, i'd rather go to hell. Saint Peter a little bit shocked at her response tries to persuade her otherwise. He says in hell you will be raped and buggered, to which she replies;

" YEH BUT I ALREADY HAVE HOLES FOR THAT "

Here I am back in the office watching the world go by. Had four days of rest, drinking, eating and god i'm stuffed.

AN ODE FOR A BEAUTIFUL DAY

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still,
when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles began to slip away. He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun,it seemed his very chirping brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers crept slowly out of bed and gently shut the window and crushed his fuckin head.

I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON

To all you wonderful people out there who live in the Wolverhampton area of the west midlands.
Just recently I purchased £2000-00 worth of living room furniture from COLES OF BILSTON - £300-00 deposit, eight to ten weeks delivery I was told and ok to my surprise, five and a half weeks later it arrives (oh what joy). The delivery men promptly off loaded all the boxes and placed them in my living room. When asked if they were going to unwrap everything they said it was down to me!
So there I was, not preturbed by this, began busily opening boxes.
1st was the coffee table, with the box lid open it felt like Christmas all over again, ripping the bubble wrap off. Initially is was visually stunning but as soon as I placed my hands around the ends of the table and started to lift the legs started to fold inwards (yep you guessed it they had not screwed the legs on properly).
2nd came the video unit, this time the anticipation had lessoned but I still had optimism. Out came the unit and slotted just perfectly into place, then to my dismay found the draw would not close properly and looked lopsided.
3rd was the nest of tables by which time I was slightly irate, again out of the box it came but alas the main table top had not been fitted to the legs properly and they had used wood filler to fill the gaps.
Lastly but by no means least was the side board, surely to god this had to be ok. Yep you guessed it, it was a load of crap.
Now keeping my temper in check I took a trip to the store, they kept me waiting 10 minutes before someone. finally they had the decency to call me through to a little waiting area out of view of potential customers.
I calmly explained the problems I had encountered and was told they would send an service man out to fix any problems, to which I replied basically get stuffed you can replace the lot. They accepted this and said I could hold on to the furniture that had been delivered until the new ones came in.
Now as I had intrest free finance I would not expect to start paying until the correct furniture came but oh no! The manageress is now telling me that unless I return the defective goods I will have to carry on paying and they will offer me no recompence for putting up with this crap. She was very rude and abrupt (Mrs Richards).
Hence I have now cancelled the agreement and asked for the furniture to be collected. Mrs Richards then wanted to collect at her convienience and basically wanted me to have a day off work so she could not give me a time when they could collect.(arrogant bitch)
Itold her to give me a specific time and date but all she could come up with was an am call on a saturday(arrogant bitch)

SO THE MORAL OF THIS COMPLETELY BORING STORY IS COLES OF BILSTON SELL CRAP, SERVICE IS CRAP DO NOT BUY ANYTHING FROM THEM AS THEY ARE CRAP

What is with people, a friend asks if you know of anyone who can do some building work, I say yeah i'll introduce you to a mate of mine. So you make the introduction they get on well, they agree a price, look at samples etc, etc, etc. Everything going hunky dory then wham! The friend then decides to change his mind, fuck me all hell breaks loose. The builder (my mate) then rings me up, well phones me then expects me to phone him back to save on his mobile bill, so i give him a call and off he rants, starts asking all sorts of daft questions as to why he's changed his mind (how the fuck should I know). So I see my friend and christ all mighty he's fuckin offish with me.

WHY ME, IS IT WORTH THE CRAP

4th April 2007

Have you ever wondered what category people in the office fall into while there carrying out there everyday mundane jobs? I have!!! You can tell by the set routines.
Quiet ones
You get the quiet ones who, on the outside are all timid and shy, but underneath start to crave the attention the office joker or Mr/Mrs popularity gets, yet have no clue that it's their way of dealing with the fact they are missing something.
conceited
Some seem oblivious to there surroundings and the people around them, which gives them the title of miserable bastard.
Bully
Then theres the ones who feel power is there right and try every means possible to inflict as much pain as possible whether by mental or in some cases physical abuse upon the un-suspecting which appears to give them a euphoric feeling!
Clown
The office joker comes next. The first few gags are mildly entertaining to some and fuckin' hilarious to others including themselves which allows them a sense of self importance.
Popularity
Mr/Mrs popularity - What makes em popular, is it the current fashion, is it they appear more knowledgeable or is it their outgoing nature. I have no ill feeling towards these people so long as they do not drop into the category of office bully.
Now this brings us to me! What group do I come into? Probably all of them.
The bully section I try and stay away from but have at times, had to resolve situations with enforced power which i ain't proud of but its gets the dickheads out my face.(Usually the bullies who regret trying it on).
We had a young lady start at our place sometime ago and christ was she a breath of fresh air. The first thing I noticed was not the Junoesque figure or the blonde flowing locks or the cute ass but just how beautiful her pale green eyes tinged with hazel were.(I know I sound sad but you should see her).
To cap it all she has the Miss popularity about her without the power trip, yet for some "unknown" reason she gets everything she asks for and more.